I suppose it would surprise absolutely no one that I have a "Google Alert" set to "Pink Floyd," which sends me a nice little daily rundown of all the most popular new stories on said subject to appear on the web (whether through so-called "mainstream" news sites or blogs). 98% of the time, these alerts e-mails are either full of false-positives or plain old chaff, but one link came up last week that caught my eye: drummer Nick Mason will apparently be one of the instructors at a "Rock N Roll Fantasy Camp" in England in early November.I researched this "fantasy camp" further and the details offered in the package are quite interesting indeed: you (the participant) will practice at the famed Abbey Road Studios and then perform with your band at the (rebuilt) Cavern Club (across from the old location shuttered years ago) in historic Liverpool!
Live the dream! No experience necessary! trumpets the official website. You'll be treated like a rock star. You'll live the rock n' roll lifestyle day in and day out, learning or perfecting your knowledge of an instrument, practicing and jamming with your band mates and learning the ins and outs of the music business - all in the company of some of music's brightest stars.
Funny, I was under the impression that the life of a rock star was more along the lines of frequent anonymous sex, binge drinking, recreational drug use, malnutrition and cultivating a healthy love/hate relationship with your audience. Sure, practice and jamming is certainly involved and all, but the rest of that sounds suspiciously like a community college course.
And while I love Nick and all, I can't say I consider him or Bill Wyman to be among "music's brightest stars," but I suppose they can't have Slash available for these kind of things 24/7.
By the way, that "no experience necessary" part looks absolutely horrifying, doesn't it?
Depending on your skill level and interest, you may try picking up a Peavey guitar during your time at camp, or you may spend your time singing backup vocals or playing tambourine with the band.
Terrific. How many acolyte tambourine players can a live amateur performance of The Wall support before the universe starts to collapse in upon itself?
So, what can a paying customer expect from his experience? The site goes into a point-by-point list:
• Small group instruction from celebrity musicians (campers are placed in a band with a rock star counselor for the entire camp duration)
• Play and write your own original song
Hey, Brian and Rob! This is your chance to get "Butterflies In The Wind" professionally recorded at last! Can y'all write me a bass part?
• Perform live on stage to a sold out audience at a major rock venue
What, the (second iteration of the) Cavern Club? What's the capacity there? 300 people? Boy, I'll bet they are chomping at the bit to hear a bunch of inexperienced musicians tackle a Pink Floyd double album.
• Counselor-led master class sessions in drums, bass, guitar, songwriting, etc.
Sooo, will Nick Mason be teaching power chords and organ riffs, then?
• A souvenir DVD of you jamming at the final night's Battle of the Bands
Sweet Jesus Mercy, there will be more than one band performing? This is cruel.
• 10+ hours of daily jam sessions with your bandmates and rock star counselors
Good. You're gonna need it if you have any hopes of not embarrassing yourself.
• Daily meals with celebrity musicians and campers
If they are offering the true rock star experience, these meals will come straight out of the ass end of the nearest drive-through burger joint.
• Rehearsal time at professional rehearsal studios (you'll play where the stars play!)
Makes you wonder which engineers at Abbey Road drew the shortest straws to land this gig.
• Plenty of opportunities for photos and autographs as guest stars walk through the camp all week (so be sure to bring your camera!)
"Wow! Chris Slade! Wassup, homey!?""Hey, Kip Winger! Can I get a picture with you?"
"Hey, look! It's that guy who was once in The Beach Boys in the 1970s! Awesome!"
At first, reading the article and then perusing the website made me feel sad and embarrassed: my god, is this what our ex-rock stars have sunk to? Teaching a bunch of rich kids whose parents paid $15,000 so that their little Dominics, Dantes and Dillons can learn how to perform The Wall from a guy who, quite honestly, didn't have an awful lot to do with the creation of the piece in the first place (and, considering Pink Floyd's increasing use of session musicians around that time, who knows how much he had to do with the actual recording anyway)?
The more I chewed this program over, the more disturbed I became by what I was reading. A school of rock? We're now giving trust fund brats and aging baby boomers professional seminars on how to be a rock star? What kind of post-Reagan cultural dicketry is this?
Has rock music become so safe and homogenized now that it has completely lost any semblance of artistry or danger that it once held? OK, I'll look the other way on adults working their way through midlife crises (since Goat knows I'm due for mine anytime now), but when exactly did kids growing up in the hopes of becoming a rock star become an agreeable career goal for their parents? Hell, when did joining a rock band become something you went to camp for (and with your parents chaperoning, to boot)?
Maybe I missed something over the years, but I was under the impression that a rebellious teenager joining a rock band was the antithesis of a respectable career choice. If anything, trying to become a professional rock musician was more like running off to join the circus: something that horrify your parents and either turn you into a drug-addled guitar god or at least a spotty, chain-smoking roadie. Not anymore, though! These days, living the rock star lifestyle is as cute and tame an idea as a day at Disneyworld.
The more you think about it, the more Rock 'N Roll Fantasy Camp becomes a vaguely creepy homage to an era that really does feel a century old. Be Amish for a week and raise a barn! Join the Union and be a Civil War soldier for a week and then fight in a real mock battle! Join a rock band and learn to play Pink Floyd's The Wall!
"Lookit me, Darian! I'm a rock star! I can play 'The Thin Ice' on drums!"
Sickening. And we wonder why rock music has seemingly lost much of its meaning and impact on people over the last fifteen years.
Look, it's either this or politics ...
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